[Fanfic] Tower of God - Collection for KhunBaam week 2022: Day 5

Esto lo publiqué hace más de una semana (creo) en AO3, pero se me olvidó publicar aquí también. Bue, aquí lo hago por tener un registro de todo lo que produzco. Hace poco estuve con dolor de muelas y ahora estoy en sospecha de covid (la verdad no tengo ningún síntoma, pero estuve en contacto con alguien que sí, pero bue, parece que al final no fue nada), y sumado al poco tiempo libre, pos no he podido seguir avanzando más que esto XD Pero espero poder terminar el reto pronto, que me inspiré también para otros fics y quiero seguir y/o empezar con eso u.u

*****

Collection for KhunBaam week 2022
by RPMizu
 
Day 5: Mystery / Autumn

Even though Baam never got to know what seasons looked like while he was inside the cave, Rachel did teach him the basic aspects of each one. Therefore, he knew the worst one was called winter. Before he met Rachel, it was the time of the year he did not know if he would manage to survive, the time when he had to do everything he could to stay warm. For example, he would desperately try to keep a giant fire alive for as long as possible; otherwise, he would end up freezing to death. Other thing he would do was kill the few fuzzy and weak monsters inside the cave to make a thick blanket out of their skin to cover himself. It would rot in a few days, so he had to make a new one from time to time.

But winter was the only distinguishable season when he was inside the cave. The others mangled together for him, since inside the cave everything stayed the same no matter what. It was always dark, damp, cold. Only winter managed to make itself present, just because it amplified all of those aspects. So, Baam was surprised when Rachel showed him books with illustrations of the four seasons. They made Baam yearn to smell the freshly bloomed flowers in spring, feel the warm sun on his skin in summer, see the brightly colored leaves fall in autumn, and play with the cold snow in winter.

He only got to truly know seasons when he entered the Tower, specifically when he got past the Floor of Tests. But since that was the time when he was with FUG, Baam could not truly enjoy the newfound experience. Only now that he is with Team Sweet and Sour is when he can live the seasons to the fullest.

They are in autumn right now, and Baam has come to realize that maybe it is the most nostalgic season of all. At first he thought winter would have this effect the most, since it was so horrible for him during the time he was in the cave. However, Baam came to enjoy winter a whole more now that he does not have to worry about freezing to death in his sleep.

In contrast, autumn is a really beautiful season, of course, with everything turning red, orange and gold, but it is also the season when everything starts to wither, to die. Of course, it only meant those things went to sleep during the winter, but it was still shocking for Baam to see all the leaves drying out. It reminded him that everything had an end, even his or his friends’ lives. And that makes him think, what if his life ends before he gets back with Khun and the others? He would wither away silently and unnoticed, just like those golden leaves.

“Viole, are you up there?”

Wangnan’s voice suddenly reaches his ears, interrupting his depressing thoughts. Baam is currently on the rooftop of the house they are staying in, watching the sky above. The infinite blue skies that make him inevitably think about the eyes of someone very precious to him. Autumn is a nostalgic season, indeed.

“What are you doing here all alone?” Wangnan’s bright smile has always managed to make him feel a little warm inside. However, ever since he separated from Khun, it has been difficult for him to smile back, so he just stares at Wangnan with an empty expression. “Just chilling, eh?” continues Wangnan with a nervous laugh.

“I was just… thinking.” Baam whispers, trying to fill the silence and not make his comrade even more uncomfortable. Wangnan is not to blame for his inner trouble, after all. He has been very kind with him, even if he is not Mr. Khun.

“Are you thinking about them?” Baam knows Wangnan is referring to his old team, so he simply nods slowly, and then feels the weight of a hand on his left shoulder. As Baam turns around to look in that direction, he is met with a sad smile on Wangnan’s face. “I know you miss them, Viole, you look so lonely all the time. But don’t worry; I’ll reunite you with them, I promise.”

That promise, as Wangnan puts it, almost makes him tear up. What he says is true. Baam desperately wants to get back with them, with Mr. Rak, with Mr. Khun. He just needs to look at the sky and there they are: Khun’s cold blue eyes that got filled with warmth every time they looked back at him. How he misses those eyes.

Then Wangnan starts asking some questions about his old team, and Baam cannot resist the urge to answer. On the one hand, denying Wangnan’s request for information would be incredibly rude of Baam, since he knows Wangnan is just asking because he genuinely wants to know more about him. And on the other hand, Baam simply wants to tell someone about those people who are so precious to him. Maybe that will make him miss them less.

However, after a while telling Wangnan stories about his old team, Baam found out he was utterly wrong in thinking this would make the feeling of longing subside a little. On the contrary, it makes him yearn even more for that reunion Wangnan promised to him.

Suddenly, Wangnan interrupts one of his stories, laughing lightly. “You talk so much about that guy you call Mr. Khun, you know?”

“What?” Baam feels his face burning up. Did he really talk too much about Mr. Khun? Baam thinks he included everyone in his narrations; of course, Mr. Khun was among them too. But did he really talk more about him than the others? Baam can only look at the ground, letting his long bangs cover his probably red face. “Sorry… I didn’t notice I was talking too much.”

“Oh, no, no, no! I’m happy to finally hear more about you and your friends, Viole!” Baam lifts his head a little, only to see Wangnan flapping his hands in the air nervously. “I was just curious, because you seem to like all your friends very much, but the way you talk about that guy in particular seems different, more special.”

“You think so?” Well, Baam knows Mr. Khun is special to him. He was the first person to approach him in that open field in the Floor of Tests. He helped him and taught him so much. Mr. Khun had the patience of a saint with him, as Baam did not know anything about the world and Khun had to explain even the most common things to him. “He is special, indeed, but…”

“Do you like him?” is what Wangnan says next, and Baam just tilts his head to one side. Of course he likes Mr. Khun; he just said he is special. And Wangnan simply lets out a laugh at his confusion, which makes everything more puzzling. “I don’t mean as a friend. Do you like him like him?”

“What does that mean? Like him like him?” Baam gets nearer Wangnan, letting him see his whole face because he wants to do the same; he wants to search for the answer inside Wangnan’s eyes. The only thing this accomplishes is Wangnan’s face getting a little pink and him averting his eyes. Why? Is it something embarrassing?

“Viole, you are so cute, you know?” Baam tilts his head once again. Well, Khun and Leeso did call him that a few times. He does not understand why though, but Wangnan must be right if there are three people he likes so much calling him that. “I-I mean, are you in love with him?”

That makes Baam step back, taking some distance from Wangnan. Love… So that is what Wangnan is referring to. However, Baam does not know what love or romance mean. Sure, he has had the opportunity now to see those things in TV series, now that he is with Team Sweet and Sour, but he has never fully understood it. Feelings really are a mystery to him. How is he supposed to know if his feelings for Khun are love and not friendship? Wangnan seems to think they are, at least.

Suddenly, Wangnan interrupts his train of thought, speaking nonstop in a single breath. “Sorry! I shouldn’t have said that! It’s just this is not the first time I heard you mentioning him! Even though you were so reluctant to tell us anything about your past, that name just seemed to slip out from you without you even noticing! And now that you are sharing these stories with me, his name popped up so much, way more times than anyone else’s, so…!”

Baam puts hands on Wangnan’s forearms, softly and effectively stopping their erratic movements. “Oh, it’s okay, Mr. Wangnan. I’m not mad, if that is what you think.” That seems to calm down Wangnan to an extent, even if he still looks incredibly nervous. “It’s not something one should be angry, or is it? Liking someone, loving someone, it’s a wonderful thing, right?”

At least that was what Rachel told him when she taught him about feelings, though she was not that specific about the differences between each feeling, and now Baam is confused because of it. She did not mention feelings would sometimes mingle together, just like now his feelings for Rachel are so unclear, mixing love with sorrow, frustration and anger. Because he still loves her, she is very important for him, even after all she did to him. But is she the most important one for him right now? Rachel said love is when someone is more important to you than anyone else, and she was that for him at one point, he is sure of it. But is she still that important for him? That is when Baam notices he did not mention Rachel in his stories, but that is because talking about her still hurts so much, he prefers not to do it. That means she is still incredibly important, right? Because it would not hurt so much if it was not the case.

“…I don’t understand feelings that much.” He finally says to Wangnan, who seemed to respect his silent moment of introspection. “How do you know you are in love with someone?”

Wangnan chuckles at his words, which makes Baam frown a bit. He is being serious with his doubts and Wangnan just laughs at his confusion? “No, no, I’m not laughing at you.” Wangnan says, probably reading his thoughts in his face. “It’s just cute that you are so clueless about this stuff.” Again with the cute thing. Well, it is not like it annoys him being called cute. He actually likes it, because it always makes the people he likes smile fondly, but he does not understand it. “Sorry, I should try to help you understand these things better, although is not like I’m an expert in love.”

“But you probably understand it better. Sometimes feelings are like the biggest mystery to me…”

“Well, sometimes is easier to understand other people’s feelings than our own. What I can tell you is that being in love is a really strange feeling.” Baam looks at him with full attention, and Wangnan seems to get a little embarrassed about it, as his cheeks get a little pink yet again. This does not stop Baam from looking at him though. He really wants to know more, to understand better what is happening to him. “It is really intense. You like that person so much that even his mistakes and flaws seem lovely to you, even if they can annoy you too.”

“Mmm…”

Baam stares at the sky, and once again he is met with those infinitely blue eyes Baam makes up in his mind. Flaws, eh? Well, he cannot say that about Rachel anymore, because her actions hurt him so much, but he can indeed say that about Khun. For example, Khun can be sneaky, secretive and manipulative, but the way he uses his smarts only makes Baam admire him more, since Baam cannot do those morally ambiguous things himself even if sometimes the Tower makes it necessary. Contrary to Rachel, Khun uses his superior intellect and his schemes to protect the people he loves. The thought makes his heart race a little, as a tiny smile takes hold of his lips.

“Just thinking about them can make you smile, and your heart beat faster.” Wangnan’s words come just in time as Baam feels those changes inside him, and he can only lower his face so that his long bangs cover his embarrassment. “And of course… if you are separated, they would be the person you long for the most.”

The grip of Baam’s hands on the railway of the rooftop gets tighter. “I miss them so much, I miss all of them. But…” His voice quivers at the end, and he gulps hard.

“But?” repeats Wangnan, a smile in the tone of his voice.

Baam hides more behind his hair. He does not know why, but saying this makes him nervous and embarrassed, maybe because he does not understand it that much. “But I do miss Mr. Khun the most, I think. I usually end up thinking more about Mr. Khun than anyone else, wondering what he would do or say in a particular situation… Missing how he would explain everything to me with patience and care, how he would touch my hair softly, and let me sleep with him when I had nightmares…”

He stops talking then, because he feels many more unknown thoughts and feelings would pour out if he does not. And it scares him, not because he feels it is wrong; on the contrary, he is happy he is feeling the most for someone he is sure would not betray him like Rachel did. It scares him because he does not understand the extent of this mysterious phenomenon that is going on inside of him. But most importantly, he is scared that maybe he will never be able to reunite with Khun and tell him all about this. He is afraid he could die at any moment, he could wither away like those golden leaves that are falling to ground down there. Baam knows it could happen; he puts himself in danger all the time, after all, especially if it means protecting his comrades. But he does not want to die. He wants to tell Mr. Khun just how special he is to him. He wants Mr. Khun to decipher the mystery that these feelings are to Baam. He wants to live every little experience, even the most insignificant ones, by his side.

“I want to see Mr. Khun. What if…” Baam silences himself at that point, out of fear, but Wangnan’s hand on his shoulder urges him to continue, so he does. “What if I don’t ever meet him again? What if I die before that happens? People die easily in the Tower, after all…”

“Ssshhh!” Wangnan rushes to put a finger on top of Baam’s lips, which makes him flinch in surprise. “Don’t talk like that, Viole! I promised I would take you back to your team, remember? And I always live up to my promises!”

Baam looks at him incredulously, rising an eyebrow, and smiling for the first time in a while. “Really?” This gesture makes Wangnan babble incoherencies and flap his hands, face completely red, and Baam simply giggles, letting his true face show for once, not caring FUG might be watching them. “Thank you, Mr. Wangnan.”

Wangnan seems so unsure of himself, but Baam does not care. He knows Wangnan is telling the truth, that he will do everything in his power to help him. And Baam will put his faith in that, in his new team and in his own efforts to see Mr. Khun once again. And the rest of his old team, of course. But his main debt is with Mr. Khun. He has to tell him about this mysterious feeling that is growing inside of him, after all.

Maybe this autumn is not foreshadowing Baam’s ending. It is telling him that is time to rest until winter is over, wait patiently, and then let spring take its course and make his feelings bloom, when the time to meet Mr. Khun again is due.

-END of Day 5-

[Fanfic] Tower of God - Collection for KhunBaam week 2022: Day 4

Por fin termino otro día de este challenge, y pos, para que se sepa, solo podré escribir los fines de semana, porque en la semana tengo muy poco tiempo libre, y lo que tengo de tiempo libre lo uso en jugar Fall guys, porque el cerebro no me da para más. Me quedo dormida si trato de pensar bien en algo XD Este es más fluff que nada, aunque al final se pone un poco más depre, pero ni tanto.

*****

Collection for KhunBaam week 2022
by RPMizu
 
Day 4: AU / Free day

“Baam, want to go shopping?”

It is a rare occasion for the team, to have an entire free day all to themselves. Of course, Khun would not let the opportunity go to waste. He will make sure Baam relaxes for once, after all the daily effort he puts in training and keeping them safe. Still, Baam looks surprised when he hears Khun’s offer. He stuttered a little when he answered affirmatively, and his hand felt a bit sweaty when Khun took it into his and led him outside the building that today serves as their hideout.

But why, though? Khun cannot comprehend it. Since when was Baam nervous about being alone with him? It is hard not to think about it as Khun walks side by side with Baam across town. The fact that now Baam seems relaxed and even excited makes everything even more confusing for him. Still, this is what Khun wanted in the first place, so it is okay even if it is strange. He will try not to think about it too much. He should concentrate in enjoying Baam’s company, and nothing else.

“I want to go there!” says Baam suddenly, dragging him from the arm. And Khun lets himself be led by this happy creature, into a sports clothing store.

Khun has noted that recently Baam has grown to be more prone to physical contact, at least with him. It is not so much; it only shows in little details such as this one. But since Khun’s heartbeat speeds up with every single one of those details, there was no way he would not notice. He does not show it on the outside, of course.

“Can I try this on, Mr. Khun?” Baam interrupts his thoughts by putting a mint colored tracksuit in his face. He seriously has stop getting distracted and focus on Baam.

“You don’t need my permission, Baam. You are the one with the money anyway; you can buy whatever you want.”

“Really? But I want to use my money for the team…”

Khun can only smile fondly at the look of guilt on Baam’s features. “Baam, give yourself a treat. And if for whatever reason you are short on income, Jinsung will use FUG resources to fund you again.”

“Ah!” Baam lifts a finger in the air, and looks even guiltier than before, as he bites his lower lip. “I wonder if Master will get angry if he knows I bought clothes for myself. He is the one who buys my clothes every season, after all.”

“You should be able to choose what you want to wear, Baam. You will certainly get him a little depressed, but whatever.” Baam seems a bit annoyed by his insensibility towards Jinsung, but then a chuckle escapes him nonetheless, so Khun continues speaking his mind. “Sometimes he has awful taste, you know. It’s best if you buy your clothes yourself, so they suit your preferences and not his. You are the one wearing them, after all.”

And what does Jinsung thinks he is? Baam’s sugar daddy? Khun has always been somewhat jealous about Baam’s relationship with Jinsung, especially considering Jinsung is one of the people responsible for Baam being separated from their team (from Khun) for more than six years, and still Baam cares for him so much. But Khun chooses not to say anything. After all, even if Jinsung was to blame, that man was also the one that persuaded FUG into allowing Baam to continue climbing the Tower with them. And Baam surely adores him as a father figure. Or least Khun wants to think Baam sees Jinsung as his substitute dad and not something else.

“I’m going to try it on then. Please wait here, Mr. Khun.”

He is thinking too much again, jeez. He is supposed to be relaxing on his free day, and instead he is thinking about unpleasant nothings. So Khun tries to keep his mind blank as he waits for Baam, but then other thoughts start lingering in his brain. Specifically, images of Baam changing clothes, just at the other side of this curtain. Khun will not peek, of course, he is not a pervert. But it is difficult to control his fantasies, as they emerge so spontaneously.

Khun shakes his head with so much energy he ends up a little dizzy. Great. At least he stopped imagining Baam naked before the effect of his fantasies manifested visibly on his body. That would be bad, really, really bad.

“I think I’m ready.” He hears Baam say at the other side of the curtain, making him focus on the situation at hand once again. “How do I look?”

Baam’s face timidly peaks out from behind before he crosses the curtain, and the image in front of him makes Khun’s heart race. It is so cute, Baam looks absolutely huggable and adorable in the mint colored tracksuit he chose. The fabric seems soft and warm, and it is a little oversized, but not too much so it would be uncomfortable for Baam. And it looks perfect on him.

“Don’t you think it looks like a pajama?” Baam says, looking at himself and then turning around in 360° to show it to him.

Khun cannot contain a chuckle. “Yeah, it does look a bit like a pajama, but it fits you so well. You look really cute.” Khun is not sure this is something one would say to a guy, and to your best friend, at that, but it is simply the truth.

And Baam does not seem to mind either. In fact, Baam looks quite happy to have been called cute by him. The smile he gives Khun makes the image even cuter. “Then I’m buying it!”

God, someday Baam will cause him a heart attack only by how adorable he is without noticing. At least he did not keep wearing the tracksuit after buying it, because Khun would not be able to concentrate at all with all that cuteness in front of him; he would only be able to think about how much he wants to squeeze Baam in a tight hug.

After that, they go into other stores to buy things for the team too, as Baam said he wanted to not only spend on himself, but also to give presents to everyone. Khun could not see what Baam bought for him though, as Baam said it should be surprise. But he did help Baam pick gifts for the others, even for those who are not currently traveling with them. Those gifts will be waiting inside Khun’s lighthouse, until they meet up again.

“It is like a dream, you know? Being here picking gifts for the people I love.” says Baam suddenly, when they stop at a coffee shop, to rest and have something to eat. “Not worrying about imminent battles, about someone getting hurt or killed…” A look of deep longing takes hold of Baam’s gold eyes as he watches through the window, into the clouds reflected in the ceiling. He continues speaking in a tired voice, with a tired smile, and Khun’s heart shrinks at the image before him. “But I guess it is just a dream, right? We can’t stay like this forever. We would need to live in an alternate universe if we wanted everything to be peaceful like this all the time. No Tower, no Jahad, no FUG, just us living a peaceful life together.”

“Baam…”

Khun reaches out for Baam’s hand and squeezes it with care, effectively bringing Baam back from his melancholic thoughts. He wants to say I’m sorry, even though he knows it is not his fault either. He shares Baam’s wish to be stronger, because if he is, then maybe he could provide Baam with the safe and quiet life he longs for. He could protect Baam and everyone Baam loves so he would not be sad anymore. So Baam would not torture himself for not being strong enough.

And Baam simply stares at him with eyes half open, the tired smile insisting on staying in his lips. “And here I am, being gloomy all of a sudden. I should enjoy the moment instead of feeling like this is the calm before the storm. Sorry, Mr. Khun. I’ll make sure to smile sincerely again, just… give a moment, please.”

He is trying hard; it is clear as day to Khun. Baam is forcing himself to seem happy and carefree, to smile as if nothing is wrong. But his smile is quivering, and his eyes are getting watery. Khun can feel tiny tremors run through Baam’s body and getting channeled through the hand that Khun is holding. He would do anything to see Baam’s real smile, but he is not strong enough yet to make Baam’s worries go away and give him the safe space he wants. He knows it better than anyone.

But he has to do something, anything, to make Baam forget and relax once again. “Here.” However, Khun does not think of anything better than taking a bit of his mont blanc with his fork and bring it to Baam’s mouth. And Baam seems to take the bite unconsciously, with an automatic movement, but then his eyes bright up when he tastes the sweet flavor. “Better?”

“Mmm-mmm.” Baam answers happily, with his mouth full of dessert. At least he is in a better mood now.

That’s right. Baam has to smile, he has to relax on their free day. Khun must help him think only of nice things.

So he takes Baam into a movie theater, to watch one of those romantic comedies Leeso recommended him long ago. “It might be awfully cheesy, but it can help you relax, man., since you are so stressed all the time.”, Leeso had said. Well, he was right, but Khun would still have chosen a different type of movie if he was to watch it alone. However, right now cheering up Baam is the most important thing. So he will sit through the movie even if it is stupid and boring.

That is what Khun had thought, but in the end he did enjoy the movie, maybe a bit too much. He ended up identifying himself a lot with the protagonist, with all the internal panic the man felt every time the girl he liked did something extremely cute. Of course, Khun hides his reactions much better that the silly protagonist of such a cheesy movie. Leaving that aside, Baam seemed to enjoy the movie too, which was his main goal, so it is okay, even if he feels a little ridiculous for identifying with someone so pitiful.

“It was great, don’t you think, Mr. Khun?”, says Baam suddenly, as they walk across the park, each with an ice-cream cone in hand.

“Yeah, it was silly, but entertaining at least.”

“I saw you tear up a little bit at the end, you know.” Baam laughs, not really making fun of him, as his voice sounds both playful and endearing. “I did too, by the way, so don’t feel embarrassed.”

“I’m not embarrassed.” answers Khun in an even tone, hoping his face would not betray him by getting blushed.

“Of course not, Mr. Khun is always so cool.” He is not sure if Baam is still messing with him or if he said that seriously. Maybe both. Sometimes it is hard to tell with Baam. “Thank you for taking me on this date, Mr. Khun.”

Khun freezes up in that instant, almost choking with the ice-cream in his mouth. He turns to look at Baam, who is only smiling at him like he did not say anything outrageous at all. “W-what did you say?”

“I said I’m glad I went on this date with you.” Baam tilts his head to one side, completely innocent, unaware of Khun’s internal screaming. “Is there something wrong?”

“Baam… I just asked you to go out with me since it’s a rare day off. You don’t call that a date.” Well, it does sound kind of like a date when I put it like that, he cannot help thinking. But he has to correct Baam. Even after all this time, Baam still does not understand simple things like this, since he has been fighting and not socializing most of the time.

However, Baam looks surprised, and also a bit hurt. Did he want this to be a date? No, that cannot be. He must be imagining things. Wishful thinking, nothing more. “Huh? But when I went out with Miss Endorsi, this is what we did, and she called it a date.” Damn, Endorsi. Khun wanted to forget that she was the first one to have a date with Baam. “And I enjoyed myself when I was with her, of course, I like her.” If Baam did not say the next thing he said, Khun would have been dying inside from repressed jealousy. “But I enjoy being with you more, Mr. Khun.” Khun was starting to relax at last, when a tiny whisper escapes through Baam’s lips. “…I love you.”

That takes the cake. Khun becomes completely immobile when he hears those words and neither does he react when Baam approaches him slowly and give him a soft kiss on the cheek. “Baam…” His throat feels incredibly dry as only that name comes out of it. His heart is bumping hard against his chest. As always, though, he manages to look collected on the outside. Or at least he hopes he does. It is getting harder for him to accomplish at every passing second.

“I love you, Mr. Khun.” Baam repeats, as if he is unable to tolerate the silence anymore. “…Do you love me?”

Those honey-colored eyes look so hopeful, and Khun is afraid he might cast away the innocent sparkle in them. “Of course I love you, Baam. You are my best friend.”

“I didn’t mean as-”

“You don’t know what you are saying, Baam.” interrupts Khun, as he puts a finger on top of Baam’s lower lip, which Baam is biting slightly. “You are vulnerable right now, and of course you’d be with everything you are going through. Of course you need love, and I’m the one you are closest to. I can give you love if that is what you need, but you… You love everyone, Baam. You don’t love love me, Baam; you are confusing friendship with love.”

“I’m not-!” But then Baam gets quiet and looks at the floor, as if Khun’s words disoriented him more than his own. “I’m not confused…” he whispers weakly, and Khun can only give him a sad smile.

It is not Baam’s fault, he did not grow up in a normal environment, and of course he still gets a little confused with feelings and relationships. He did think this was a date, after all, only because this is what he did with Endorsi some time ago. Normal people would not have thought that way, since they are both guys, right?

“Let’s go back, Baam, okay?”

Khun takes Baam’s hand into his, and then leads him back to their rented house. He does not look back as Baam walks behind him, dragging his feet. Baam is being incredibly docile, even though he normally gets upset when someone questions what he thinks is the truth. Then he is indeed confused. He is not sure that he is in love with Khun, but that is okay for him. Khun is sure he is in love with Baam, he has been for a long time now, and he can be sure for both of them. And Baam can take his time to figure it out. And if he ends up finding out he is not in love with Khun and only likes him a lot as a friend, that is fine too. Khun can accept anything as long as Baam allows him to be by his side.

The pain in his heart will not go away though, but he can withstand it. Baam is the most important. He will always be.

“It was a lovely free day, don’t you think?” He says out loud, trying to distract himself. He hears Baam nodding audibly behind him, but the sound comes out a little shaky.

Damn, he should not have rejected Baam, but he cannot take advantage of his misunderstanding, of his innocence, of his vulnerability. When everything calms down, he will touch on the subject again, more carefully this time. However, Baam is right; they would need to live in an alternate universe for that to happen. Khun knows the battles and dangers will not end soon. Someday, someday Baam will not have to be starved for love and safety, and will be able to reflect calmly on his own feelings.

And maybe he will find out he did love Khun all this time.

That would be a dream. Too much wishful thinking. Is it too much wishful thinking to imagine being loved back by Baam? Not as he loves everyone else, but as someone special…

Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe he will found out when free days are the norm and not the exception.

And maybe that day will never come.

-END of Day 4-