[Fanfic] Tower of God - Collection for KhunBaam week 2022: Day 5

Esto lo publiqué hace más de una semana (creo) en AO3, pero se me olvidó publicar aquí también. Bue, aquí lo hago por tener un registro de todo lo que produzco. Hace poco estuve con dolor de muelas y ahora estoy en sospecha de covid (la verdad no tengo ningún síntoma, pero estuve en contacto con alguien que sí, pero bue, parece que al final no fue nada), y sumado al poco tiempo libre, pos no he podido seguir avanzando más que esto XD Pero espero poder terminar el reto pronto, que me inspiré también para otros fics y quiero seguir y/o empezar con eso u.u

*****

Collection for KhunBaam week 2022
by RPMizu
 
Day 5: Mystery / Autumn

Even though Baam never got to know what seasons looked like while he was inside the cave, Rachel did teach him the basic aspects of each one. Therefore, he knew the worst one was called winter. Before he met Rachel, it was the time of the year he did not know if he would manage to survive, the time when he had to do everything he could to stay warm. For example, he would desperately try to keep a giant fire alive for as long as possible; otherwise, he would end up freezing to death. Other thing he would do was kill the few fuzzy and weak monsters inside the cave to make a thick blanket out of their skin to cover himself. It would rot in a few days, so he had to make a new one from time to time.

But winter was the only distinguishable season when he was inside the cave. The others mangled together for him, since inside the cave everything stayed the same no matter what. It was always dark, damp, cold. Only winter managed to make itself present, just because it amplified all of those aspects. So, Baam was surprised when Rachel showed him books with illustrations of the four seasons. They made Baam yearn to smell the freshly bloomed flowers in spring, feel the warm sun on his skin in summer, see the brightly colored leaves fall in autumn, and play with the cold snow in winter.

He only got to truly know seasons when he entered the Tower, specifically when he got past the Floor of Tests. But since that was the time when he was with FUG, Baam could not truly enjoy the newfound experience. Only now that he is with Team Sweet and Sour is when he can live the seasons to the fullest.

They are in autumn right now, and Baam has come to realize that maybe it is the most nostalgic season of all. At first he thought winter would have this effect the most, since it was so horrible for him during the time he was in the cave. However, Baam came to enjoy winter a whole more now that he does not have to worry about freezing to death in his sleep.

In contrast, autumn is a really beautiful season, of course, with everything turning red, orange and gold, but it is also the season when everything starts to wither, to die. Of course, it only meant those things went to sleep during the winter, but it was still shocking for Baam to see all the leaves drying out. It reminded him that everything had an end, even his or his friends’ lives. And that makes him think, what if his life ends before he gets back with Khun and the others? He would wither away silently and unnoticed, just like those golden leaves.

“Viole, are you up there?”

Wangnan’s voice suddenly reaches his ears, interrupting his depressing thoughts. Baam is currently on the rooftop of the house they are staying in, watching the sky above. The infinite blue skies that make him inevitably think about the eyes of someone very precious to him. Autumn is a nostalgic season, indeed.

“What are you doing here all alone?” Wangnan’s bright smile has always managed to make him feel a little warm inside. However, ever since he separated from Khun, it has been difficult for him to smile back, so he just stares at Wangnan with an empty expression. “Just chilling, eh?” continues Wangnan with a nervous laugh.

“I was just… thinking.” Baam whispers, trying to fill the silence and not make his comrade even more uncomfortable. Wangnan is not to blame for his inner trouble, after all. He has been very kind with him, even if he is not Mr. Khun.

“Are you thinking about them?” Baam knows Wangnan is referring to his old team, so he simply nods slowly, and then feels the weight of a hand on his left shoulder. As Baam turns around to look in that direction, he is met with a sad smile on Wangnan’s face. “I know you miss them, Viole, you look so lonely all the time. But don’t worry; I’ll reunite you with them, I promise.”

That promise, as Wangnan puts it, almost makes him tear up. What he says is true. Baam desperately wants to get back with them, with Mr. Rak, with Mr. Khun. He just needs to look at the sky and there they are: Khun’s cold blue eyes that got filled with warmth every time they looked back at him. How he misses those eyes.

Then Wangnan starts asking some questions about his old team, and Baam cannot resist the urge to answer. On the one hand, denying Wangnan’s request for information would be incredibly rude of Baam, since he knows Wangnan is just asking because he genuinely wants to know more about him. And on the other hand, Baam simply wants to tell someone about those people who are so precious to him. Maybe that will make him miss them less.

However, after a while telling Wangnan stories about his old team, Baam found out he was utterly wrong in thinking this would make the feeling of longing subside a little. On the contrary, it makes him yearn even more for that reunion Wangnan promised to him.

Suddenly, Wangnan interrupts one of his stories, laughing lightly. “You talk so much about that guy you call Mr. Khun, you know?”

“What?” Baam feels his face burning up. Did he really talk too much about Mr. Khun? Baam thinks he included everyone in his narrations; of course, Mr. Khun was among them too. But did he really talk more about him than the others? Baam can only look at the ground, letting his long bangs cover his probably red face. “Sorry… I didn’t notice I was talking too much.”

“Oh, no, no, no! I’m happy to finally hear more about you and your friends, Viole!” Baam lifts his head a little, only to see Wangnan flapping his hands in the air nervously. “I was just curious, because you seem to like all your friends very much, but the way you talk about that guy in particular seems different, more special.”

“You think so?” Well, Baam knows Mr. Khun is special to him. He was the first person to approach him in that open field in the Floor of Tests. He helped him and taught him so much. Mr. Khun had the patience of a saint with him, as Baam did not know anything about the world and Khun had to explain even the most common things to him. “He is special, indeed, but…”

“Do you like him?” is what Wangnan says next, and Baam just tilts his head to one side. Of course he likes Mr. Khun; he just said he is special. And Wangnan simply lets out a laugh at his confusion, which makes everything more puzzling. “I don’t mean as a friend. Do you like him like him?”

“What does that mean? Like him like him?” Baam gets nearer Wangnan, letting him see his whole face because he wants to do the same; he wants to search for the answer inside Wangnan’s eyes. The only thing this accomplishes is Wangnan’s face getting a little pink and him averting his eyes. Why? Is it something embarrassing?

“Viole, you are so cute, you know?” Baam tilts his head once again. Well, Khun and Leeso did call him that a few times. He does not understand why though, but Wangnan must be right if there are three people he likes so much calling him that. “I-I mean, are you in love with him?”

That makes Baam step back, taking some distance from Wangnan. Love… So that is what Wangnan is referring to. However, Baam does not know what love or romance mean. Sure, he has had the opportunity now to see those things in TV series, now that he is with Team Sweet and Sour, but he has never fully understood it. Feelings really are a mystery to him. How is he supposed to know if his feelings for Khun are love and not friendship? Wangnan seems to think they are, at least.

Suddenly, Wangnan interrupts his train of thought, speaking nonstop in a single breath. “Sorry! I shouldn’t have said that! It’s just this is not the first time I heard you mentioning him! Even though you were so reluctant to tell us anything about your past, that name just seemed to slip out from you without you even noticing! And now that you are sharing these stories with me, his name popped up so much, way more times than anyone else’s, so…!”

Baam puts hands on Wangnan’s forearms, softly and effectively stopping their erratic movements. “Oh, it’s okay, Mr. Wangnan. I’m not mad, if that is what you think.” That seems to calm down Wangnan to an extent, even if he still looks incredibly nervous. “It’s not something one should be angry, or is it? Liking someone, loving someone, it’s a wonderful thing, right?”

At least that was what Rachel told him when she taught him about feelings, though she was not that specific about the differences between each feeling, and now Baam is confused because of it. She did not mention feelings would sometimes mingle together, just like now his feelings for Rachel are so unclear, mixing love with sorrow, frustration and anger. Because he still loves her, she is very important for him, even after all she did to him. But is she the most important one for him right now? Rachel said love is when someone is more important to you than anyone else, and she was that for him at one point, he is sure of it. But is she still that important for him? That is when Baam notices he did not mention Rachel in his stories, but that is because talking about her still hurts so much, he prefers not to do it. That means she is still incredibly important, right? Because it would not hurt so much if it was not the case.

“…I don’t understand feelings that much.” He finally says to Wangnan, who seemed to respect his silent moment of introspection. “How do you know you are in love with someone?”

Wangnan chuckles at his words, which makes Baam frown a bit. He is being serious with his doubts and Wangnan just laughs at his confusion? “No, no, I’m not laughing at you.” Wangnan says, probably reading his thoughts in his face. “It’s just cute that you are so clueless about this stuff.” Again with the cute thing. Well, it is not like it annoys him being called cute. He actually likes it, because it always makes the people he likes smile fondly, but he does not understand it. “Sorry, I should try to help you understand these things better, although is not like I’m an expert in love.”

“But you probably understand it better. Sometimes feelings are like the biggest mystery to me…”

“Well, sometimes is easier to understand other people’s feelings than our own. What I can tell you is that being in love is a really strange feeling.” Baam looks at him with full attention, and Wangnan seems to get a little embarrassed about it, as his cheeks get a little pink yet again. This does not stop Baam from looking at him though. He really wants to know more, to understand better what is happening to him. “It is really intense. You like that person so much that even his mistakes and flaws seem lovely to you, even if they can annoy you too.”

“Mmm…”

Baam stares at the sky, and once again he is met with those infinitely blue eyes Baam makes up in his mind. Flaws, eh? Well, he cannot say that about Rachel anymore, because her actions hurt him so much, but he can indeed say that about Khun. For example, Khun can be sneaky, secretive and manipulative, but the way he uses his smarts only makes Baam admire him more, since Baam cannot do those morally ambiguous things himself even if sometimes the Tower makes it necessary. Contrary to Rachel, Khun uses his superior intellect and his schemes to protect the people he loves. The thought makes his heart race a little, as a tiny smile takes hold of his lips.

“Just thinking about them can make you smile, and your heart beat faster.” Wangnan’s words come just in time as Baam feels those changes inside him, and he can only lower his face so that his long bangs cover his embarrassment. “And of course… if you are separated, they would be the person you long for the most.”

The grip of Baam’s hands on the railway of the rooftop gets tighter. “I miss them so much, I miss all of them. But…” His voice quivers at the end, and he gulps hard.

“But?” repeats Wangnan, a smile in the tone of his voice.

Baam hides more behind his hair. He does not know why, but saying this makes him nervous and embarrassed, maybe because he does not understand it that much. “But I do miss Mr. Khun the most, I think. I usually end up thinking more about Mr. Khun than anyone else, wondering what he would do or say in a particular situation… Missing how he would explain everything to me with patience and care, how he would touch my hair softly, and let me sleep with him when I had nightmares…”

He stops talking then, because he feels many more unknown thoughts and feelings would pour out if he does not. And it scares him, not because he feels it is wrong; on the contrary, he is happy he is feeling the most for someone he is sure would not betray him like Rachel did. It scares him because he does not understand the extent of this mysterious phenomenon that is going on inside of him. But most importantly, he is scared that maybe he will never be able to reunite with Khun and tell him all about this. He is afraid he could die at any moment, he could wither away like those golden leaves that are falling to ground down there. Baam knows it could happen; he puts himself in danger all the time, after all, especially if it means protecting his comrades. But he does not want to die. He wants to tell Mr. Khun just how special he is to him. He wants Mr. Khun to decipher the mystery that these feelings are to Baam. He wants to live every little experience, even the most insignificant ones, by his side.

“I want to see Mr. Khun. What if…” Baam silences himself at that point, out of fear, but Wangnan’s hand on his shoulder urges him to continue, so he does. “What if I don’t ever meet him again? What if I die before that happens? People die easily in the Tower, after all…”

“Ssshhh!” Wangnan rushes to put a finger on top of Baam’s lips, which makes him flinch in surprise. “Don’t talk like that, Viole! I promised I would take you back to your team, remember? And I always live up to my promises!”

Baam looks at him incredulously, rising an eyebrow, and smiling for the first time in a while. “Really?” This gesture makes Wangnan babble incoherencies and flap his hands, face completely red, and Baam simply giggles, letting his true face show for once, not caring FUG might be watching them. “Thank you, Mr. Wangnan.”

Wangnan seems so unsure of himself, but Baam does not care. He knows Wangnan is telling the truth, that he will do everything in his power to help him. And Baam will put his faith in that, in his new team and in his own efforts to see Mr. Khun once again. And the rest of his old team, of course. But his main debt is with Mr. Khun. He has to tell him about this mysterious feeling that is growing inside of him, after all.

Maybe this autumn is not foreshadowing Baam’s ending. It is telling him that is time to rest until winter is over, wait patiently, and then let spring take its course and make his feelings bloom, when the time to meet Mr. Khun again is due.

-END of Day 5-